RECEIVING THE KINDNESS OF GOD

When the kindness and love of God our Savior appeared, he saved us, not because of righteous things we had done, but because of his mercy (Titus 3:4-6)


God is merciful. God is kind. That is why it pains me to offend Him and sin against Him. But I can't help it. Life gets in the way. Everywhere I go, everyone I see, all the things I read, every problem I face...all induce fear and doubt in me. I know in my heart that God will take care of me and He will never let me down. Still I feel weak and unfit. I am positive that the world and material possessions would not give me comfort, but having children, mounting debt and zero savings can be very demoralizing. Even though God has blessed me so much with things that I am very grateful for,  the future still seem uncertain and scary to me.


I guess feelings of uncertainty and dread are normal especially for a parent like me who is concerned for her children. This is why I pray a lot and offer all my emotional baggage to God and this brings me peace of mind. Showing kindness , sharing prayer books or giving alms to others also help me forget all my problems and make me feel really good inside, like this is my purpose in life. God made me to show His Face to others and give them comfort. And my doubts and fears vanish when I serve God.


But being human, I still act like an ingrate and continuously sin in spite of myself. I almost skipped Sunday Mass yesterday but felt that I needed to recharge spiritually and emotionally and show the Lord that I love Him and I yearn for Him. I went to Mass with a mind that keeps wandering off in all places except where I was. I was getting annoyed with myself and with the priest blabbering away and I was not absorbing anything that he was saying. I was getting sorry for even attending Mass for I felt so unworthy and miserable. I was sure that God was so displeased at everything I do and think. But I stuck around and paid my respects during the highlight of the Mass, the Liturgy of the Eucharist. During Holy Communion, I went down on my knees and prayed for I can't receive the Eucharist, I've yet to get married in church. I was pouring my guts out to God when suddenly I felt His wonderful love and presence squeeze my heart. Tears and mucus won't stop running down my face, Jesus was speaking to me but without any words, He was comforting me without any arms. He was there, just pouring out His Mercy on me and simply loving and accepting me. I realized yet again that God does not know how to hate, that God is kind, God is merciful. And it is never too late to change our wicked ways, for God is waiting for us patiently, always ready and willing to share His kindness and mercy to anyone, deserving or not.